The authentic life - choose wisely

The Spokane gay community has been giving the CPR (caring, preventing, restoring homosexuality) a lot of press and rightly so. There was much debate in the community, once the document was circulated, whether to give it some air time and expose the “ex-gay” ministry for the myth that it is or just let it go. I have to admit I was originally on the “just let it go” side and hope it fades into the ancient past like the rest of the fundamentalist-anti-gay-social-conservative ideals and be done with it.

Then I read the heart wrenching stories of Anderson, Mahieu and ‘Lisa’ in the Stonewall. The damage inflicted on these individuals as a result of their attempt to repress that portion of their lives into submission is intolerable. Why should we “just let it go” when the ‘ex-gay” movement causes so much pain, anguish and self hatred in direct contradiction of modern psychological precedents?

So, publish it wide and expose it for the myth that it is and the harm that it causes. The minds behind the madness of this outrage are preying on the most vulnerable in our community and at what price?

The primary premise behind the CPR document is that homosexuality is a choice. On this point I completely agree. Being gay or being straight is a choice. But not the choice you might think. The choice is not to be gay or be straight, the choice is to live life or live a lie.

It is time to reframe the debate over choice.

The so called ex-gays never “cure” themselves they choose to suppress the core of their being and go through life as half of a person, a divided psyche. To live with a divided psyche is harmful at best, causes suicidal tendencies at worst. Anyone who suffers this divided life has made a choice. The choice was not to suddenly be straight, for this is impossible; the choice is to beat that aspect of the self into suppression. In doing so the psychological damage can be severe, all reputable psychologists agree on this point as the APA maintains.

At some point in our lives, either gay or straight, all of us have faced with a duality of self. We put on the false self to meet new people, our defenses go up in strange environments, we act completely differently when alone than in public. The harm comes when a core aspect of our personhood is brutally suppressed out of shame, fear, bigotry or hatred. The only place where these traits of shame, fear, bigotry and hatred exist is in society as a whole, perpetuated by the eternal diatribe of religious fanatics.

Many of us know from personal experience how it feels to live a divided life. Inwardly, we experience one imperative of our lives, but outwardly we respond to quite another. This is the human condition, of course – our inner and outer worlds are never in perfect harmony. But there are extremes of dividedness that become intolerable, when one can no longer live without bringing one’s actions into harmony with one’s inner life. When that happens inside of one person, then another, and another, and another, in relation to a significant social issue, a movement may be conceived. -Dr. Parker J. Palmer from The Courage to Teach.

The ex-gay movement establishes an “intolerable dividedness” that requires action. Only by being true to themselves can gays and lesbians live an authentic life. Being an authentic individual merely means being a person who is honest and has an awareness of self that supersedes the false exterior. To force a person into a mold of humanity that is not their own or of their making, under the threat of eternal damnation, is abuse in its most intimate form.

No, the community should not remain silent about the “ex-gay” ministry; in fact the gay community should rise up and denounce it!

Being out is living life as we are predisposed to live it. Being out is loving ourselves unconditionally as we are. Being out is the only way to live without fear, without self loathing, without internalized homophobia. Being out is being authentic.

It is time to reframe the debate over choice.

It is true that being gay is a choice. The choice is to live the life authentic or live the life of lies.

From the diary archives - a note on working out

It is a new year and like many people out there I have made a resolution to see my abs one last time before I die. (Abs are those abdominal muscles that everyone has and we could all see if we could only move the layers of fat out of the way.)

I had started a work out regime with the hubby in 2000 (which, I think, is right around the last time I worked out) so I went scavenging around the old computer archives to see what I did and I came across this gem from the diaries when we lived in Connecticut (perhaps some of you out there can relate?):

March 10, 2000

This may, in fact, be the beginnings of my last will and testament.

This week we decided to start a work out program to get nice and fit for summer. We went to a sports store named “Dicks” to pick up a couple of dumbbells that were on sale for $39.95. We shopped around the store for a little while, it was HUGE, they have everything for every kind of sport (most of which I never heard of). Anyhow, $414 dollars later we walk out with our new 300 pound home gym.

Our first workout was hauling the thing up the two flights of stairs to get it into the office where we were going to set it up. The process of hauling one weight at a time up the stairs took nearly an hour, so of course afterwards we had to sit down and eat a bag of Doritos for dinner.

I opened up the box when we finally got it in place and was a little intimidated by the amount of stuff to put together. I had to get a ruler to measure the bolts that were all different sizes. It was such a pain to assemble; right away I stubbed my pinky toe on one of the boxes of weights. This worked out well though because I discovered a new way to stretch my hamstrings while I was running cold water over my bleeding toe in the bathroom sink. So, thanks to my incredible manual dexterity, I spent six hours, went through a box of Band-Aids and ended up with four bruises on my ankles and shins before I got the thing set up.

Once again we apparently cannot judge the size of objects outside of our house relative to the amount of space we have inside our house. (Our first Christmas tree and almost every Christmas tree there after are prime examples!) Since I was wounded in action putting the set together, I let Hubby handle the rearranging and removal of all of the furniture (except one stool and our mini-desk) in order to get the thing to fit. (Good thing we have storage in the basement!)

So on Monday we started our workout, it is a six day plan. The first day is upper body, then a 20 minute jog on the second day, then lower body workout on the third followed by a jog, upper body and then a jog again on the sixth day. I quickly determined that jogging wasn’t for me (thanks again to my manual dexterity) there wasn’t a sidewalk crack or hill that I didn’t stumble over and there wasn’t a low hanging branch that didn’t whip me in the face or scratch my forehead! So I tried aerobics… whoever came up with the idea of jumping around in your living room should be shot! I soon discovered the pain of a branch whipped face doesn’t last nearly as long as the pain of a rug burn. So it was back to jogging in the hopes that I can get better at it the more I do it. (Only later did I realize how easily I deceive myself)

On the lower body work out day we have to work out our abdominals. The wonderful book that my Hubby got to help us with our exercises suggested sixty inclined sit ups… after 20 I thought I was going to throw up so I gave up and went back to simple crunches.

Each day we have to eat six meals and each meal is a small portion of protein and carbohydrates and then for two meals we have a portion of veggies (yum yum). I don’t mind this part so much except that I am prohibited from eating sugar, milk or cheeseburgers.

On the free day we can eat anything we want so I have planned a nice cup of coffee with cream and sugar, a six pack of Pepsi, six cheeseburgers with bacon, a pizza and anything with a lot of melted squirt cheese like 7-11 nachos or something mmmm mmmm. At the beginning of the program we had to weigh, measure and take pictures of our selves so we can track our progress (and theoretically be pleased with the results at the conclusion of the program).

On Monday, (upper body day) we decided that changing out the weights on the dumbbells was too much of an inconvenience (and far too much work) so on Thursday evening we went and bought some more dumbbells that are solid. We bought two 10 pounds and then two of each in 5 pound increments up to thirty-five pounds. Again it took us at least an hour to make enough trips up the stairs to get them situated in the work out room (I am using this as my work out for the day).

Note about my job: My work is still going well even though I am still a temporary employee I think I would like to go permanent here. My boss is fun even though he takes to congratulating himself quite often on things that he has accomplished. There was a piece of equipment in the back that is supposed to allow people to securely access their email and the system from home. It had never worked properly so he went to work on it and finally got it up and running last week. He was so self congratulatory that I asked him if his back ever hurt from kissing his own ass so much. I think I might be a temp for a while longer.